I tried to find meaning in the vague words, cold meaning, in my boss disingenous expression of concern. He passes me a form that made no sense but the only thing that was clear is that I have a job for another six weeks. The truth of the matter he doesn't need a reason to fire me and he know's that. He is exerting his authority as a director and giving whichever vauge excuse to say " this isn't personal but I don't think you are the right fit." I review the form and tell him "this form doensn't make sense? you are not being clear on what exactly what I am diong wrong/right for that matter or examples of scenarios of things I did wrong. I don't understand if you are not happy with my work, how come your piling on more work. Remember I took even the assignment from Dorina (Dorina happen to be his best friend that he hired. She was very reluctant to do work wiht Medicaid and of course since he want's to keep her happy, he kindly added to my work load)." He defended his opinion and pretended to listen to me when I spoke. He disguised his lack of care well but it was evident as he tried to rush me out (politely of course) so he can move to his next meeting or his next to do. I left the office trying to act as nothing happen but directly to speak with my indirect supervisor with the news and he was floored. He was upset because we work closely on everything and he always mentioned how the director has no clue what none of his subordinates do on a daily basis.
The next couple hours I emotionally shut down, was angry at the world, and felt like giving up. I knew this job was not ideal but I was holding on to it until something better came along. The thing is that nothing better has come along. When I told my husband and family they were upset but they all agreed that this was never a good job for me. I could tell they were growing concern when they realized some of my expenses. Let me just list of few of my mothly expenses: 150.00 a week for child care for the baby, 300.00 a month for my student loan repayment for my masters, 4,000.00 for private education for two girls I am not going to add the other expenses because there is more (food, clothing for my kids who always seem to outgrow their clothes in 6 months, rent, credit card debt and so much more).
The notice did bring into perspective that I am not satisfied wiht my professional accomplishments. I don't know how to go about to accomplish what I want but I am going to dare myself to try to get it. I am not sure what I want! I do know I always wanted to write and help others... I feel in some small way I am doing this by creating this blog. I read today that be kind, really, really, REALLY kind to mean people because they really need it. I thought about my boss and all the unkind things he has done to me and kept thinking " I am not going to make myself miserable for his loss and think of him compassionately." I will meet with Labor Relations representative tomorrow and show them all the unethical emails I had to enudre... I am not sure what I am hoping but mostly doing something so this won't affect anyone else.
The take away lesson for me is that I won't allow this to break me, and also stop being submissive. I feel like it took me a while to speak up about the things that aren't okay and this is not okay. I shouldn't silence myself ever because I have to speak up when things aren't okay. The most important thing I did is analyzed if my boss taught me anything through this whole experience.. anything. Did he teach me anything about life, or gave me some feedback that I was able to apply even in my current job, and I realized that the answer was "no". I hope the next upcoming weeks I am receptive to receive the message the univerese has for me or my higher being.
This week was all about that piece of paper that has direct impact on my financial stability but it doesn't define my future or me.
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